When I returned to Montreal after five years in London, I found myself at a crossroads. The nursing job I’d left behind at the Jewish General Hospital was no longer available, and at this stage of my life, with my children having babies of their own, I wasn’t planning to return to traditional work. But I’ve always been someone who needs to contribute, to be involved in my community.
My journey to here began long before I ever heard of Hope & Cope. We immigrated to Montreal from South Africa in 1992, and I built a fulfilling career as a nurse. I’ve always been deeply involved in community work: volunteering with the Jewish Federation, my synagogue, cooking for Meals on Wheels. Giving back has always been part of who I am.
Dr. Martin, the person I’d worked with before going to London, suggested I contact Hope & Cope. I had no idea it would become such a meaningful part of my life. This was right at the beginning of COVID, when everything was shifting to virtual platforms. Hope & Cope had just started offering the Mourning Café on Zoom, and they needed facilitators.
Initially, I co-facilitated with another volunteer, but eventually it became “my café.”
The Heart of Facilitation
What I love about facilitating the Mourning Café is how it draws on both my professional nursing background and my personal understanding of loss. I was anxious at first, because you never know what each session will bring.
Every session has the same format, but each one is completely different depending on who shows up, whether there are new people, regular attendees, or what someone has experienced since we last met. The group is very fluid, which keeps things interesting and meaningful.
I’ve dealt with people experiencing loss throughout my career, and I’ve had my own experiences with grief, such as losing my father, among other family members. Somehow, people seem comfortable talking to me, and I find that I connect easily with others.
The most incredible thing I’ve observed is how people grow. First, they have to show up, and that can be really hard when you’re grieving. We ask people to have their cameras on because this is about connection and being present with one another. Sometimes someone is really broken and struggling, and they might only be able to participate for five minutes. That’s perfectly okay.
The Growth I’ve Witnessed
Many people have family, friends, or community to support them when someone dies. But unfortunately, society often feels that after a certain point, you should just “get on with life now.” It’s not always that simple.
Our group works differently. Someone can tell the same story every session for two years. Sometimes exactly the same way, sometimes with slight variations, and that’s completely fine. Everyone there understands, because they’re also telling their stories over and over.
What’s amazing is watching people develop over time. Some people come for just three sessions and then send a note saying, “Thank you, I don’t need this anymore. I’ve gotten what I need.” Others stay for much longer. I haven’t seen a single person leave at the end of their time with us who wasn’t able to put one foot in front of the other and move forward.
We often work with people who are at a stage of life where losses accumulate. I remember one man who initially came because his wife had passed away, but during his time with us, he also lost a brother, sister, and niece. People have a lot going on in their lives, and having a consistent place to process these experiences makes a real difference.
The Gift of Giving Back
My experience volunteering with Hope & Cope has been entirely positive. While I primarily work with my Mourning Café group, I’ve connected with the broader volunteer community through evening events and other activities.
There’s always someone to talk to when I need guidance. I can contact Rifka, Hope & Cope’s bereavement program coordinator, when I have questions or need advice. I’m not running the group in a professional nursing capacity. I’m facilitating as a volunteer. While my nursing background gives me some knowledge to draw from, it’s reassuring to know that support is always available when I need it.
The whole system works beautifully, and I feel grateful to be part of an organization that truly understands the importance of ongoing support for people navigating loss.
Looking back on this unexpected chapter of my life, I’m struck by how perfectly things aligned. What started as a search for meaningful volunteer work has become something that feeds my soul. There’s something deeply satisfying about knowing you’re giving somebody something to boost them during their most difficult times.
Stephanie Oboler is the facilitator of Mourning Café, a support group for people grieving the loss of a loved one. If you are grieving and need support, please contact Rifka Hanfling our grief support coordinator or call the Wellness Centre at 514-340-3616.
If you would like to become a volunteer at Hope & Cope, send us your application.
